Indifferent Tears?

When will I be alone to sense the horrible feeling of loneliness,
that loneliness I dread to feel, but know that I must feel it.
Like an omen of things to come, I look at my reflection,
gaze into my own eyes and see nothing looking back.
I do ‘feel’, I swear it is true,
but from the description of other’s feelings I wonder if I really do.
I do not like the movies other girls like
nor desire more children nor long for grandchildren.
I do not want another pet to miss when it dies
and this yearning to rekindle sibling relations grows dim and false in feeling.
I will miss my mother terribly when she is gone but not so much my father;
And I love my son the most and dare not imagine his demise.
Much like a slap in the face, my feelings come on strong and wash over me.
Tidal wave after tidal wave for what seems forever,
though truthfully perhaps only an hour.
And then they vanish again for months on end hiding from me,
waiting for their moment to catch me off guard
and send me to my knees in tears I hide from others, most of all myself.  
So when I say I am indifferent to so much that others care so much about,
it is not that I do not care, it is that I care differently.
For if I spread my feelings too thin
and give a damn about every last thing, 
I will not have enough for those that matter most 
nor enough tears to shed when tears are needed. 
Written May 20, 2012

11 thoughts on “Indifferent Tears?

  1. Wow 🙂 I loved the bit at the end. To be honest I'm like this as well. It's not that I don't care, it's that I really don't care. I don't really care about things unless they directly affect me or someone I know. As such I think some have thought of me as cold and heartless before. However if it is someone I know, someone I do care about, you can bet I'll jump right in to action as soon as I can.

  2. J you are a beautiful writer. This poem touched me because in many ways it is like Heather and I put together. I believe life is full of phases and even depressed eyes can turn a corner and find an unexpected new phase. I hope you can keep your gorgeous smile on your pretty face until you turn a corner. 🙂

  3. Seems we have some thoughts in common. I am not one to go out of my way to find someone or something to care about… I either do, or I don't. 🙂

  4. Why thank you Tommy! There's always something new about to happen… hopefully when I turn a corner it's not a brick wall I run into. 🙂

  5. Jira, you asked about my reference to Iwo…in its long form it would be Iwo Jima, from world war 2…I linked the prompt to memorial day and those left behind…I wanted to reference the civil war, but the image had an electric syreet lamp not gas, and the only wrll known battle that would fit was Iwo. If you read the poem again the firdt two stanzas show the longing, the last one shows the grief preceding the longing. I posted this responce to your question (albut a too long one :-)) on your blog so that others can read what they want into it.

    Wander

    I will be back tonight or tomorrow to give this beaut of yours the justice it deserves.

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